This is my depression. Not that this jumper has caused my depression but this is what my depression represents to me. Neat enough to get through life without drawing too much attention but random with loose ends and not complete.
It might sound strange, even I’m not sure if the analogy works but it kind of makes sense and kind of is close enough.
I’ve been knitting this jumper for a couple of years. Well I say knitting: I work at it for a few days and then put it down. I might sew a few ends in every now and again and try to kid myself that it’s getting sorted but really I’m just playing at the edges. Every time I think about finishing it, my heart sinks a little and I get a little more paralysed. If I can finish it I can move onto other things. I can find the joy in things, I will not have this hanging over me.
But every now and again I realise that the pressure is coming only from me. When I finish the jumper, my friend will be overjoyed to have it. She’s not demanding and my lackadaisical approach to making it hasn’t hurt out friendship so why am I dragging my feet?
Depression is selfish. This jumper is for someone else. A wonderful person but I just couldn't get round to finishing it for her. When it finally leaves my house, the depression will not go with it but I will always live with the legacy of making it and the small but many joys it brought me. It will exist in my somewhere and if I am careful, I will remember the things that it has taught me. Things do not have to be perfect. Everything doesn't have to be neatly wrapped up and finished and to do the things you love does make life so much better. To not get overwhelmed, that everything has an ending, that with support and a rough plan you can get through it, that things should always give you joy, and that friends are the most important of things.
|It is not perfect but it is beautiful and it is loved|